Two neighbors had been feuding for years over a tree that dropped leaves into one yard and shade into another.
They were ready for court when a mediator asked one simple question: "What do you each really want?"
One wanted a tidy yard. The other wanted vegetables that needed sun.
The solution? They trimmed the tree together, creating less leaf-drop and more sun. Then they started a shared garden in the sunny spot.
From enemies to gardening partners—all because someone looked for common ground.
The Magic of Shared Interests
Every negotiation has hidden common ground. Your job is to find it.
Think about it: If you're negotiating, you already agree on something—that it's worth having this conversation.
Common Hidden Interests: - Both want a sustainable solution - Both want to feel respected - Both want to avoid future problems - Both want to feel good about the outcome - Both want to save time and energy
When Martha was negotiating her divorce, things were ugly. Then her lawyer asked: "What do you both want for your kids?"
Both wanted the children to feel secure and loved. This shared interest became the foundation for every other decision. They ended up with an arrangement that actually improved their co-parenting.
Building Bridges, Not Walls
Most people negotiate by highlighting differences. Smart negotiators build on similarities.
Instead of: "We obviously disagree on price." Try: "We both want a fair deal that works long-term."
Instead of: "You don't understand my position." Try: "We're both trying to find the best solution here."
Instead of: "That's not how we do things." Try: "Let's figure out an approach that works for everyone."
This isn't just word games. It's rewiring the conversation from adversarial to collaborative.
The "Yes Ladder" Technique
Get them saying yes early and often. Each 'yes' makes the next one easier.
Start with obvious agreements: - "We both want this resolved quickly, right?" - "I think we can agree that quality matters here." - "We're both reasonable people looking for a fair solution."
Then build: - "So we agree on the timeline?" - "And we're aligned on the basic approach?" - "It sounds like we're close on the main points."
By the time you get to the big ask, they're in a yes mindset.
Robert used this selling his car. Instead of starting with price, he built agreement: - "You're looking for something reliable?" (Yes) - "Fuel efficiency matters to you?" (Yes) - "You appreciate that it's been well-maintained?" (Yes) - "The service records give you confidence?" (Yes)
By the time they discussed price, the buyer was already mentally owning the car. Robert got his asking price.
The Power of "We"
Language shapes reality. Use "we" instead of "you vs. me."
Solo Language: - "I need..." - "You should..." - "My position is..." - "Your offer doesn't work"
Team Language: - "How can we solve this?" - "What works for us?" - "Our challenge is..." - "Let's find a way"
This simple shift transforms the dynamic. You're no longer opponents; you're puzzle-solving partners.
Finding the Third Option
Most negotiations get stuck in either/or thinking. The magic lives in the third option.
Classic Stuck Positions:
Parent: "Bedtime is 8 PM." Child: "I want 10 PM." Third Option: "8 PM on school nights, 9:30 PM on weekends."
Boss: "I can't give you a raise." Employee: "I need more money." Third Option: "Performance bonus tied to specific goals."
Seller: "Price is $300,000." Buyer: "I can only do $250,000." Third Option: "$275,000 with seller covering closing costs."
When you're stuck, ask: "What else could we try?"
The Shared Success Method
Link your success to theirs. Show how helping you helps them.
Lisa wanted to work remotely but her boss resisted. Instead of focusing on her needs, she showed mutual benefit:
"When I worked from home those two days last month, I completed the Johnson report ahead of schedule. If I could do that twice a week, I could take on the Detroit project you've been trying to staff."
Her boss saw remote work not as losing an employee but gaining capacity. Approved.
Creating Value, Not Claiming It
Most people negotiate like they're cutting a pie—fighting over who gets the bigger slice.
Smart negotiators make the pie bigger first.
Value Creation Examples:
Salary Negotiation: Instead of just asking for more money, offer: - To take on additional responsibilities - To mentor junior staff - To lead a new initiative - To solve a specific problem
Business Deal: Instead of just negotiating price, explore: - Longer contract terms - Referral arrangements - Bulk discounts - Partnership opportunities
Family Decisions: Instead of fighting over one vacation destination: - Plan two shorter trips - Alternate who chooses each year - Find a destination with everyone's interests - Create a vacation fund for future choices
The Interest Inventory
Before negotiating, map everyone's interests:
Your Interests: - What you really need (vs. want) - What would make you thrilled - What you can be flexible on - What's non-negotiable
Their Interests (best guess): - What they probably need - What would make them happy - Where they might flex - Their likely deal-breakers
Shared Interests: - Where do these overlap? - What do you both value? - What problems do you both want solved?
The overlap is your goldmine.
Breaking Through Standoffs
When things get stuck, try these common-ground finders:
The Future Focus: "Where do we both want to be a year from now?"
The Problem Partnership: "What problem are we trying to solve together?"
The Value Inventory: "What's most important to each of us?"
The Success Vision: "What would wild success look like for both of us?"
The Constraint Check: "What limitations are we both dealing with?"
These questions shift focus from positions to possibilities.
The Relationship Investment
Common ground isn't just about this negotiation. It's about the next one too.
Dan negotiates with suppliers daily. His secret? He invests in the relationship first: - Asks about their business challenges - Sends referrals when possible - Checks in between orders - Celebrates their wins
When negotiation time comes, they want him to succeed too. His costs are 15% below industry average.
Common Ground in Difficult Situations
Even in the toughest negotiations, common ground exists:
Bitter Divorce: Both want to minimize lawyer fees Hostile Takeover: Both want to preserve company value Neighbor Dispute: Both want peaceful enjoyment of property Salary Freeze: Both want the company to succeed
Find that thread and build from there.
Your Common Ground Toolkit
Before your next negotiation, use this checklist:
□ List five things you probably both want □ Prepare three "we" statements □ Identify potential third options □ Map the Interest Inventory □ Plan your Yes Ladder □ Think of value you could create □ Consider the long-term relationship
1. Practice "we" language in three conversations this week. Notice the shift.
2. Use the Yes Ladder in a low-stakes situation. Build agreement momentum.
3. Map interests for an upcoming negotiation. Find three overlaps.
4. Ask "What else could we try?" when you hit any disagreement.
5. Invest in one relationship before you need to negotiate.
Remember: Every negotiation has common ground. Sometimes it's obvious. Sometimes you have to dig. But it's always there.
When you find it, everything changes. The conversation shifts from combat to collaboration. Solutions appear that neither side saw before. And everyone walks away feeling good.
That's the power of common ground. Master it, and you'll never have to "beat" anyone in negotiation again. You'll be too busy creating wins together.
Next up: Now that you can listen and find common ground, it's time to learn how to ask for what you want—confidently and effectively.