"You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion."
My grandmother told me this when I was eight. It took me twenty years to understand she'd given me the master key to negotiation.
Here's what most people think great negotiators do: Talk brilliantly. Argue persuasively. Overwhelm with logic.
Here's what great negotiators actually do: Listen so well that solutions appear like magic.
Why Your Ears Are Your Best Negotiation Tool
Sarah was sure she'd lose her best employee. "She wants a huge raise I can't afford," she told me.
"What exactly did she say?" I asked.
"Well... she said she needs to make more money."
"Did you ask why?"
Sarah hadn't. When she did, she discovered her employee's husband had lost his job. What she really needed was stability and flexibility, not necessarily a huge raise.
Sarah offered a modest raise, extra paid time off, and work-from-home Fridays. Her employee was thrilled. Total cost? Less than half the raise Sarah thought she'd have to give.
That's the power of listening. It reveals what people really want versus what they initially say.
The LISTEN Method for Active Engagement
I developed this method after studying hundreds of successful negotiations. It works every time:
L - Lean in (physically and mentally) I - Inquire with genuine curiosity S - Summarize what you've heard T - Test your understanding E - Explore deeper N - Note the emotions, not just words
Let's see it in action:
Them: "Your price is too high."
L - Lean in: Give full attention, make eye contact I - Inquire: "Help me understand what you're comparing it to?" S - Summarize: "So if I'm hearing correctly, you've seen similar services for 20% less?" T - Test: "Is it the total investment that's concerning, or the monthly payment?" E - Explore: "What would make this feel like good value to you?" N - Note: They seem stressed, not angry. This might be about budget pressure, not your actual price.
By the end of this exchange, you understand their real concern and can address it effectively.
Reading Between the Lines
People rarely say what they really mean. Your job is to hear both the words and the music.
They say: "I need to think about it." They might mean: - I need to talk to my spouse - I don't have the authority - I'm not convinced of the value - I'm overwhelmed by the decision
Instead of pushing, try: "Of course. What specific aspects would you like to think through?"
Now you're getting real information.
Common Translations:
"It's not personal" = It's definitely personal "Budget is tight" = I have other priorities "Maybe later" = Show me more value now "I'll get back to you" = I'm hoping you'll forget "It's policy" = I don't want to be the bad guy
When you hear these, don't argue. Get curious.
The Magic of Silence
Most Americans are uncomfortable with silence and tend to fill every pause. This is a massive negotiation mistake.
After you ask a question, count to five in your head before speaking again. I call this "the profitable pause."
Watch what happens: - They provide more information - They often negotiate against themselves - They reveal their real concerns - They feel heard and respected
Jim was negotiating a consulting contract. He stated his price: $10,000. The client was quiet. Jim started to panic and almost said, "But I could do $8,000."
Instead, he counted to five.
The client finally said, "That works. Can we split it into two payments?"
That silence was worth $2,000.
Questions That Unlock Everything
Master negotiators are master questioners. Here are the ones that work magic:
For Understanding: - "Help me understand..." - "What's most important to you about..." - "How do you see this working?" - "What would success look like?"
For Uncovering Concerns: - "What hesitations do you have?" - "What would need to change for this to work?" - "What's your biggest worry about this?" - "If you could wave a magic wand..."
For Moving Forward: - "What would it take to..." - "How can we make this work for both of us?" - "What's our next step?" - "When would you need to see results?"
Write these down. Practice them. They'll become your negotiation Swiss Army knife.
The Emotional Thermostat
Emotions drive decisions. Logic justifies them later. Great listeners tune into emotional frequency.
Listen for: - Excitement (lean into it) - Fear (address it gently) - Frustration (acknowledge it) - Hope (build on it) - Anger (don't match it)
When you name emotions, magic happens:
"It sounds like you're frustrated by the process." "I can hear how excited you are about this possibility." "It seems like this decision is weighing on you."
People feel seen. Walls come down. Real conversation begins.
Active Listening in Difficult Conversations
When tensions run high, listening becomes even more critical.
The Three-Step Defusal:
1. Acknowledge: "I can see this is really important to you." 2. Appreciate: "I appreciate you being direct with me." 3. Ask: "What would help us move forward?"
Karen used this with an angry customer demanding a refund outside policy:
"I can see how frustrated you are. I appreciate you explaining the situation so clearly. What would help make this right for you?"
The customer calmed down and accepted a store credit worth 125% of the purchase. He became a loyal customer.
The Listening Workout
Like any skill, listening improves with practice. Try these exercises:
The Daily Challenge: In one conversation each day, say nothing except questions and summaries. Watch how much more you learn.
The Podcast Practice: Listen to a 10-minute podcast. Write down the key points without notes. Check your accuracy.
The Family Dinner Test: At dinner, see if you can get someone to talk for five minutes straight just by asking questions.
The Mirror Exercise: After each conversation, ask yourself: "What did I learn about what they really want?"
Common Listening Mistakes (And How to Fix Them)
Mistake: Planning your response while they talk Fix: Focus on understanding, not responding
Mistake: Interrupting with solutions Fix: Ask "Would you like my thoughts?" before offering
Mistake: Assuming you understand Fix: Summarize and check: "Do I have that right?"
Mistake: Listening only to words Fix: Watch body language and tone
Mistake: Getting defensive Fix: Get curious instead
The 80/20 Rule of Negotiation
In your next negotiation, aim to listen 80% of the time and talk 20%.
This feels wrong at first. We think we need to convince, persuade, overwhelm with our brilliance.
But watch what happens when you flip the ratio: - You discover their real needs - They feel heard and respected - They often solve their own objections - You find creative solutions - They like you more
Remember: The person talking is giving information. The person listening is gathering power.
Your Listening Action Plan
1. Practice the LISTEN method in a low-stakes conversation today.
2. Master the profitable pause. Count to five after asking your next question.
3. Write down three magic questions and use them this week.
4. Do the Daily Challenge for seven days. Notice what changes.
5. Track your ratio. In your next important conversation, estimate how much you talked versus listened.
Great listening isn't passive. It's the most active thing you can do in a negotiation. It shows respect, builds trust, and reveals the path to yes.
When you truly listen, you stop trying to win the negotiation and start trying to solve the puzzle together. That's when breakthrough happen.
In Chapter 5, we'll build on your listening skills to find the common ground that makes every negotiation easier. Because once you understand what they really want, finding win-win solutions becomes surprisingly simple.
Remember: Your ears are your earning power. Use them wisely.