"I'm not a negotiator."
I hear this all the time, usually from people who are excellent negotiators. They just don't realize it.
Here's the truth: If you've ever been in a relationship, raised a child, held a job, or bought anything more expensive than a candy bar, then you've negotiated.
The only question is whether you've been doing it consciously and effectively.
The Hidden Negotiations in Your Daily Life
Let's play a game. How many of these situations have you experienced in the last week?
- Deciding what movie to watch with your family - Asking for an extension on a deadline - Splitting household chores with your partner - Agreeing on a bedtime with your kids - Scheduling a meeting that works for everyone - Returning an item at a store - Asking for a different table at a restaurant - Convincing someone to try your idea
If you checked even one box, congratulations—you've been negotiating.
Sarah, a teacher from Ohio, told me she "never negotiated." Then she described how she'd convinced her principal to approve a new teaching method, worked out a carpool schedule with four other parents, and gotten her teenager to agree to a phone curfew.
"That's three successful negotiations before lunch," I told her.
Her eyes went wide. "I... I guess I never thought of it that way."
Breaking the "Business Only" Myth
Somewhere along the way, we got the idea that negotiation is something that only happens in boardrooms. That it requires power suits, aggressive tactics, and a willingness to destroy the other person.
This couldn't be further from the truth.
The best negotiators I know are often the quietest people in the room. They're the ones who:
- Listen more than they talk - Look for ways everyone can win - Build relationships instead of burning bridges - Focus on solving problems, not defeating opponents
My neighbor Maria is one of the best negotiators I've ever met. She's never taken a business class, but she successfully negotiated:
- A flexible work schedule when her company "didn't do that" - Lower rent by offering to handle minor maintenance - Peace between feuding neighbors over a property line - A payment plan for her son's orthodontics
How? She approaches every situation with curiosity instead of combat. She asks questions like:
- "What would work better for you?" - "Help me understand your concerns" - "What if we tried..." - "How can we solve this together?"
Your Negotiation Success Stories (You Just Didn't Know It)
I want you to think back over your life. I guarantee you've had negotiation victories you've never celebrated.
Maybe you:
- Convinced a teacher to let you retake a test - Worked out a custody arrangement that everyone could live with - Got a refund on a "no refunds" purchase - Negotiated a later curfew as a teenager - Arranged a trade with a coworker ("I'll cover your weekend if you take my Tuesday shift")
Try This: Write down three times you got someone to agree to something they initially resisted. How did you do it? What worked?
I'll bet you didn't use aggressive tactics. You probably:
- Explained your reasoning - Showed understanding for their position - Offered something in return - Found a creative solution - Built trust first
These are the foundations of great negotiation. You already have them. This book will help you use them intentionally.
The Cost of Not Negotiating
Here's what happens when we don't negotiate:
- We accept less than we deserve - We build up resentment - We miss opportunities - We teach others to undervalue us
Jessica came to me after years of being underpaid. "I don't like confrontation," she said.
"Good news," I told her. "Neither do I. That's why I negotiate—to prevent confrontation."
Think about it. Which creates more conflict:
A) Having one honest conversation about your needs? B) Spending years feeling frustrated and undervalued?
When we don't negotiate, we don't avoid conflict. We just postpone it and let it fester.
The New Definition of Negotiation
Let's throw out the old definition of negotiation. Forget about winners and losers. Forget about crushing the competition.
Here's your new definition:
Negotiation is a conversation where you work together to find a solution that works for everyone.
That's it. A conversation. A collaboration. A creative problem-solving session.
When you see negotiation this way, everything changes:
- It becomes less scary - You focus on understanding, not attacking - You look for creative solutions - You preserve relationships - You actually enjoy the process
Your Daily Negotiation Audit
For the next three days, I want you to notice every negotiation in your life. Keep a simple log:
Situation: What was being negotiated? Approach: How did you handle it? Result: What happened? Learning: What would you do differently?
You'll be amazed at how often you negotiate. More importantly, you'll start seeing patterns in what works and what doesn't.
The Negotiation Mindset Shift
Here's the biggest shift I want you to make:
Stop seeing negotiation as something you have to do. Start seeing it as something you get to do.
Every negotiation is an opportunity to:
- Improve your situation - Understand someone better - Practice valuable skills - Create better solutions - Build stronger relationships
When my daughter was five, she wanted ice cream for dinner. Instead of just saying no, I asked, "What is it about ice cream that sounds good right now?"
"It's cold and sweet," she said.
"What if we had frozen fruit smoothies with dinner, and a small ice cream for dessert?"
Her face lit up. "Yes!"
That's negotiation. We both got what we really wanted—she got something cold and sweet, and I got her to eat a nutritious dinner.
Your Next Steps
1. Complete the negotiation audit for three days. Notice how often you negotiate.
2. Reframe one upcoming situation as a negotiation opportunity. Instead of dreading it, get curious about it.
3. Practice the magic question: "What would work better for you?" Use it in one conversation this week.
4. Celebrate a past win. Identify one successful negotiation from your past and acknowledge your skills.
Remember: You're already a negotiator. Now it's time to become a conscious one.
The fact that you're reading this book tells me you're ready to level up. You're ready to ask for what you want, find creative solutions, and build the life you deserve—one conversation at a time.
In the next chapter, we'll explore the mindset that separates great negotiators from everyone else. Spoiler alert: It's not what you think.